I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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