If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
