used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
