everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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