She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
