you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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