like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
