Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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