Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
