My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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