i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
