My hand turned me down
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
