I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize