dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize