The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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