I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize