can we get nightvision for the apartment?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Text me some of your sweat
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
