I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
