I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Randomize
