he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize