i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
someone owes me an orgasm
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize