that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
