This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
