at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Randomize
