eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
