Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
