We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize