My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
