Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
