no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
