Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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