I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
