A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
