I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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