when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
