Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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