She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
