I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize