did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
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