I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
