I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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