Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
