Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
