I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
