just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
