why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
