you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
