one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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