there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
