I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
