im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
