yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
