oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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