I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
