He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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