Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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