I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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