I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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